The other day, I woke up and I felt like I was slapped in the face with a 2 x 4 of reality, as I like to say. I had been sinking into a depressive state since the holidays and it finally got to the point where I was seriously considering seeking therapy. It seemed as if my whole world was falling down – I wasn’t having the professional success I was used to, I was feeling the burden of paying for a home all by myself, while in the meantime, wanting to make things so perfect for my fiancé and take care of everything, I was feeling totally overwhelmed.
My theoretical 2x4...
My fiancé and I are two different people when it comes to education. I have a Master’s Degree while he is still struggling to finish his B.A. almost a decade later. I kept nagging him to go to school, that school was important and I finally got fed up with he didn’t enroll in classes this past semester and didn’t even tell me why. I remember saying to him, “I don’t want to have the power, I want to be part of a power couple,” and telling my friends, “I hate that people may say, ‘Oh, look at her, she is so driven and he is just dragging her down.’” I’ve always been very proud of my professional success as well (something I will get to in a minute) and he has been at the same mediocre job (OK, the job isn’t mediocre, the pay is) for ten years. It wasn’t until reflecting on what one of my friends said to me when I brought up the driven comment that I realized I was measuring him by his professional success – NOT his personal success. There are so many good qualities to him that I was overlooking including the huge fact that he loved me EVEN when I was nagging him and bothering him and making him feel horrible about himself. I had to learn that not everyone – including my fiancé – is like me. It bothers me a lot when people aren’t driven to do something with their lives and I want to kind of shake them and be like “UM, HELLO, You can’t just sit back you have to DO SOMETHING to get the things you want!” But I had to realize that I need to be accepting of people for who they are and what they are. Yes, I still want my fiancé to finish school – and he agreed that he wants to – but I have to let him take his time and do it on his own. Not everyone can do fifteen things at once (I’m not bragging that I can – it’s just how I operate) and some people can only do one. I have to learn not to force them to do more just because I want to or I have.
Wisdom from The Beatles
Another thing I had to learn was to ask for help. I was taking on way too much. It was like I was just treading ocean water and I was ignoring the fact that someone was throwing me a life float. I had to ask my fiancé to chip in more. I had to ask him to front some money for a large purchase. And you know what? He did it and didn’t complain. I had just never asked before. I talked to him about making things easier for me and making dinner from now on, since I had such long hours. Not only does he do dinner, but now he does the dishes and everything else to make sure that I have a relaxing night. Sometimes, I have a list of a million errands I need him to do and he does them and doesn’t complain. But instead of making things perfect for him, we have found a balance that makes me feel less stressed, which makes our home life that much better. That life float was right next to me the whole time, but I just needed to find the inner strength to reach out and grab it and accept that it wasn’t being a failure – sometimes we all can’t make it to the boat on time and need to be pulled.
Hang on!
Professionally, however, I am in a tough spot. I am disappointed and embarrassed that I am stuck in this situation and already looking to jump ship, but I have to. I am in a very unstable environment in every sense of the word and it’s just not a good fit for me and I can tell that only after a few months. I was letting the mood of the venue and the people in it affect my home life. I was coming home angry or on the verge of tears every night, I was having horrible anxiety attacks, I was withdrawing from my friends and I was picking fights with those closest to me because I was having horrible anxiety about going to work. However, I had to find things that made me unwind quickly and I also had to find the triggers that were making me anxious. Once I found those, then I was able to focus myself. I could figure out what about my day was making me unhappy. I also decided that from now on, I would not complain about my job to others. I would act as if I was always on a job interview and be diplomatic, but polite, when asked. By not complaining, it wouldn’t re-iterate the things that I just can’t live with and I would be able to leave them at work. I learned that I need to stop and pause before I do certain activities and take some deep, yoga breaths. I had to learn that I can’t listen to a certain type of music on my home time because it makes me angry, so I took them off my iPod. I had to learn to take my mind off of work on the commute home and play a game or something mindless – not harp on all the bad things that happened. And if I need a glass of wine or two in the process, so be it.
Sip. 
Breathe.
I’m not too sure how this all happened to me in the span of what seems like an hour. My own internal wheels were probably constantly churning and then “BOOM” it really all hit me. I know that not everything in life is peaches and cream. I know that people die, that people hurt, that some things are truly terrible, I get it. And I’m not saying that mourning is bad – that’s healthy. I’m saying not allowing yourself the option to win – even if it feels like losing – is just cheating yourself. You need to find your triggers. You need to be able to notice the signs of your negative attitude and do something to block them. You have to learn that other people’s life choices shouldn’t be your issue – whether you are living with them, married to them, friends with them or just met them. And you always have to learn to ask for help when you need it. Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed. In fact, most times people are waiting for you to ask and are only eager and willing to jump in and help. Grab the life float. It’s OK.
Ask for Help!
This Guest Blog was written by someone very close to me, who wishes to keep her identity anonymous. If, however, this post resonated with you, feel free to comment below and I will be glad to share it with her!!
xo, health and happiness!
Noel
